I have a couple of confessions to make. When I picked up this book, I assumed (yes, I know) that it was a humor book, as Goldberg was the author. I got it at the library on the new bookshelf and I'm afraid I never pay attention to where the book is on the shelf. Of course, I could have looked at the good ole Dewey number on its spine, but I didn't. What I'm trying to say, is that this is, in fact, an actual book giving advice on relationships. That being said, its a really good one and, of course, a funny one. She's a sight better than any of the doctors or "therapists" who write such drivel out there. Second confession. I only got a bit over half-way through. I skimmed the rest. I still feel confident telling you that this is a great book, it just happens that she was getting into stuff that I already knew or didn't apply to me.
Her second Chapter, I Want To Know What Love Is, deals with separating the reality of love and relationships with the fantasy we get from music, movies, television, and books. Do you really want to be married to a vampire? Life is not a fairytale and you are not Cinderella. Those love songs we all heard growing up can give one a real false sense of what to expect from a relationship. It would be nice if our love life could be like a Beatles song, or John Legend's "Good Morning". Or as she says about the movies: "An Officer and a Gentleman. Pretty Woman. Fifty Shades of Grey…Footloose. The Enchanted Cottage. Grease. Twilight. Can’t Buy Me Love. The Notebook. (Or any fucking book or movie by Nicholas Sparks.) Then there’s Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, Maria and Tony in West Side Story. Really? You’re going to die for love after knowing each other for less than twenty-four hours? I love that movie, but come on! “But its true love!” some will say. But it ain’t real, people. It’s a movie." Real life is waking up to that person every day for the rest of your life (or at least a very long time), snoring, drooling, stealing the covers, and doing all the other things that are going to irritate you and that other person dealing with all the things that you do that will irritate them and saying I can accept that.
Another thing that I believe is really rather important is making sure you are actually ready to be in a relationship. Are you willing to put in the time and effort and work required of a relationship? These things aren't magic. It takes elbow grease and lots of hard work to make this happen. As she says" If you’re not willing to do the work, which requires a bridge, requires you to give and for the other person to give to you, if you’re not willing to hear why he’s upset, if you’re not willing to hear all the things that you need to hear in a relationship, then maybe it’s not for you. That’s why I’m not in one—because I’m really someone who needs to figure out what the cat wants. I spend a lot of time in the cat box." I'm more of a dog person, myself, but you get the idea.
You also need to think about why you want to be in a relationship. Because it is perfectly OK to be single. And marriage should never be the goal. "So if think getting married is the be-all and end-all of your life, then you really need to think about why you feel that way. If you’re going to do this and get married, really understand yourself and what it is you think it’s going to do for you. If you’re doing this because you’re lonely, don’t do it. If you’re doing this to prove a point, don’t do it. If you’re doing this to get back at somebody, don’t do it. If you’re doing this because your mother wants you to, don’t do it. If you’re doing this because you figure, “What the hell,” definitely don’t do it. It takes some strength and energy to go against all the cultural expectations, but it takes even more to live a lie, to get divorced, to fight with someone every day, to be confused or unhappy or untrue to yourself."
Two other important things are knowing when to reveal which secrets (such as you might have difficult having kids or that you wear a wig will come up at different times) and rules of civility (no texting or talking on the phone at the table or in the middle of a conversation, clean up after yourself, replace the toilet paper roll, use nice words, don't use words that are belittling or disrespectful, always knock on a door before entering, don't talk with food in your mouth, don't interrupt when someone else is talking (you aren't listening if you do), know when and how to apologize, be kind, tell the truth, and most important, treat them like the friends they are). It's amazing that she feels the need to put these things in, but I know for a fact why she does because I've seen plenty of people out there that do not follow some or all of these things.
When she gets to the chapter on red flags you really need to pay attention. There are always red flags when a relationship is going wrong. I had a relationship that if it was a football field (either one guys) there were so many red flags on it the refs would have been up in the stands taking red ties and scarfs and handkerchiefs from the spectators to throw more on the field. I saw all the red flags. I knew something was wrong, but unlike a lot of people I was not in denial exactly, I was just too frozen to act, which is just as bad. We all know the reasons for ignoring the red flags: I don't want to be alone, what about the kids, my biological clock, or as a friend of Whoopi's said: "I just wanted someone to have dinner with." Ignore these flags at your peril. You wouldn't ignore them if it was your brother, father, or best friend, though, would you?
In the rest of the book, she covers sex, dating when you're over fifty, divorce, prenups, and how to let go of that old relationship to begin a new one. The Marquis de la Grange once said: "When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice." If that is the case, then you could not ask for a better one than Whoopi. She is the best friend, the wise grandmother, smart alacky sister, all rolled up in one. She has lived a lot in this life and has done a great deal of thinking and learning along the way. We can all benefit from her words of wit and wisdom.
Quotes
There’s nobody more complicated than a human being. Straight, gay, black, white, or “other”-it doesn’t matter. The position we put ourselves in is incredibly complicated—mostly because we complicate it.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN!: Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships P 6)Or listen to (“You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman”. Really? There’s someone out there who is going to make you feel like a “natural woman,” as if you were an “unnatural woman” to start with? Or “As Long as He Needs Me,” from the musical Oliver!, where Nancy sings about Bill Sykes, who has pretty much beat the shit out of her, and she is saying, “This is my man, and I’m going to be with him even though he doesn’t do any of the things that he is supposed to do, just because I think that, deep down, he needs me.” What the hell is wrong with this woman?
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p11)
Think about “I say a Little Prayer”: “The moment I wake up/ Before I put on my makeup, / I say a little prayer for you.” Come on. Really? What the fuck? You should be saying a little prayer for yourself, so you can get through the day. If you’re going to take a minute to pray, pray that you get to your job on time without getting hit by a bus or getting mugged, or nothing happens to you on the subway or crossing the street. This idea that you have this love…it’s not really real. It’s kind of wonderful to be in that heightened state, but it’s not real. Maybe I just look at it as a prelude to problems, because at some point you will be sorely disappointed. Which is when you will start saying a little prayer that this person will just go away.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p12)
I blame these songs for messing me up, for setting me up to fail. Don’t get me wrong. They are all great songs. I love these songs. They just send the wrong message: A lot of Stevie Wonder, especially “I Believe (When I Fall in Love, It Will Be Forever.”) The whole album that this song is on, Talking Book, pretty much covers the entire trajectory of a relationship. It is amazing, but you are going to want to break out the scotch when you listen to that one. Any of the love songs from West Side Story, but especially “One Hand, One Heart.” So now we all want to be Siamese twins? “My Girl.” Providing sunshine on a cloudy day and some of these other acts of God the Temptations sing about is a lot of pressure to put on someone. Do you really want to take that on and be that guy’s girl?
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 12-14)
I am a huge movie buff, but that shit can mess you up. In a way, popular culture conditions us to find someone who makes us happy which many of us take to mean “Just find someone, whether they make you happy or not. Just find someone or you won’t be considered normal.” That’s why so many people rush into relationships that make no sense.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p16)
An Officer and a Gentleman. Pretty Woman. Fifty Shades of Grey…Footloose. The Enchanted Cottage. Grease. Twilight. Can’t Buy Me Love. The Notebook. (Or any fucking book or movie by Nicholas Sparks.) Then there’s Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, Maria and Tony in West Side Story. Really? You’re going to die for love after knowing each other for less than twenty-four hours? I love that movie, but come on! “But its true love!” some will say. But it ain’t real, people. It’s a movie.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 19)
And by the way, can anyone explain how vampires, who have no blood in them, get an erection?...Just asking.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p23)
While some of us may think we have a soundtrack to our life, none of us gets our own movie soundtrack. This means that we may have songs that have been important to us at times in our life, our history, but none of us has an actual soundtrack playing in the background. In Manhattan, with Woody Allen and Diane Keaton, you hear Gershwin in the background while they are walking down the street. That’s not happening in real life. No one hears fucking Gershwin when they are out walking. You hear, “Honk, honk, move!” You see dogs pooping. You hear people talking loudly on their cell phones. You’re exposed to all that. In the movies, none of that. That should tell you to be really careful in how movies relate to your real life.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p22)
I’ll just put it to you this way: Girl, you’d better know how to do things yourself. You’d better learn how to protect yourself, and don’t start fights you can’t finish. If you want something hung up on the wall, learn how to handle a hammer. You don’t want to wait for somebody to do it for you. That’s not why you want a relationship. If you want somebody to do stuff for you, get a handyman. It’s cheaper, especially if you’re going to divorce him. Handymen don’t want to get in the bed. He’ll just pee in the bathroom, that’s all, and hopefully in the toilet and not the sink, like some men I have known. The only problem you’ll have with him is he won’t put the toilet seat down. But what man does?
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p31)
If you’re not willing to do the work, which requires a bridge, requires you to give and for the other person to give to you, if you’re not willing to hear why he’s upset, if you’re not willing to hear all the things that you need to hear in a relationship, then maybe it’s not for you. That’s why I’m not in one—because I’m really someone who needs to figure out what the cat wants. I spend a lot of time in the cat box.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 39)
If they complete you, they can deconstruct you as well.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 41)
So I say if you think getting married is the be-all and end-all of your life, then you really need to think about why you feel that way. If you’re going to do this and get married, really understand yourself and what it is you think it’s going to do for you. If you’re doing this because you’re lonely, don’t do it. If you’re doing this to prove a point, don’t do it. If you’re doing this to get back at somebody, don’t do it. If you’re doing this because your mother wants you to, don’t do it. If you’re doing this because you figure, “What the hell,” definitely don’t do it. It takes some strength and energy to go against all the cultural expectations, but it takes even more to live a lie, to get divorced, to fight with someone every day, to be confused or unhappy or untrue to yourself.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 44-5)
When people show you who they are, believe them.
-Oprah
Believe me, Prince Charming will turn into Darth Vader once you get him into divorce court.
-Whoopi Goldberg (If Someone Says “You Complete Me,” RUN! Whoopi’s Big Book of Relationships p 167)
Link to Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Someone-Says-You-Complete-Relationships/dp/0316302015/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1463422329&sr=1-1&keywords=if+someone+says+you+complete+me+run
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