Lunatics is a very appropriate title for this crazy novel as are the names of the two main characters, Jeffrey Peckerman, who is a real peckerhead, and Phillip Horkman, who is like something bad you horked up. Though of the two, I prefer Phillip, but that isn't saying much. These two are a pair of walking dominoes or dynamite, who touch things and set them in motion in a big way while still being the biggest idiots ever.
It starts with Horkman making a possible bad call at a soccer game against Peckerman's daughter. The two believe that they'll never see each other again, but fate has plans for them. Peckerman, a forensic plumber by trade, is out on a job when his wife calls and asks him to pick up a bottle of wine for her Oprah book club. He stops at the business called The Wine Store which is owned by Horkman. Only Horkman doesn't sell wine there, he sells pets. Wine is his in-law's last name and they insisted when they loaned him the money to open the store that he use their name for the store. Peckerman, of course, blows his lid at not finding wine there and Horkman reacts to that and pretty soon you have Peckerman beating a hasty retreat with a lemur.
Horkman, desperate to get his lemur, and pissed off that Peckerman ran over his foot, finds his address and goes over there to get his lemur back. Inside the house, the lemur gets loose during the book club right when Debbie is showing off her insulin pump, which the lemur snatches and takes off with right out the front door where Horkman grabs him and takes off. The lemur jumps out of the window, however, without the pump. Later, Debbie shows up at Horkman's children's concert with the lemur and threatens to throw it off the George Washington Bridge if he doesn't give her back her insulin pump. A chase ensues between Peckerman, Horkman, and Debbie. Peckerman's wife has made him go after Debbie and try to help her get her pump back.
While at the toll booth, Horkman finally sees the pump in his car and gets out to give it to her as she is just two cars ahead of him, but she drives away before he can. Desperate to catch her he drives through the toll without paying. He's out of gas in his Prius so he's only able to go 35mph and the cops are chasing him with a helicopter above him. He has no idea what's going on so he pulls over and they grab the pump and blow it up thinking it was a bomb. Peckerman was ahead of him and rear-ended Debbie who is passed out in her car. Peckerman goes to the cops to try to get medical help for Debbie and the cops believe that Peckerman is with Horkman and try to arrest him too. The lemur appears and jumps on the cops causing one of them to fire off a shot into the helicopter hitting the cop in the helicopter in the scrotum.
In the chaos, Peckerman and Horkman both leave but wind up meeting up together again, but fate will not keep these two men apart for long. On the run, as they are now being called terrorists, but not everyone who is hunting them down wants to turn them into the cops. This book is hilarious, which is nothing less than what you'd expect from a Dave Barry book. Zweibel wrote for Saturday Night Live, Gary Shandling's Show, Monk, and Curb Your Enthusiasm, winning Emmy's for his work. As you read it you cannot imagine what can possibly happen next, but you do know it will be laugh-your-ass-off funny.
She said this with that voice women develop at a very early age, the one where whatever happens—the cable goes out, they have a headache, a lemur is shitting on the bed—it’s your fault.
-Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel (Lunatics p 23)
“She’s hot for you.” “Oh, that’s just the diabetes talking,” I told him. “Diabetes doesn’t’ talk. High fevers talk. Alzheimer’s talks. Certain infectious diseases don’t shut up for a second. But diabetes? NO. Diabetes comes stag and pretty much sucks the air out of the party.” “Okay, then it’s the insulin that’s talking!” I shouted back. “I’m telling you , she has no idea what she’s saying.” “Insulin doesn’t talk either. Serotonin talks Dopamine talks. Ultracet. A lot of your ADD and ADHD medications can be quite chatty. As can certain kinds of marijuana, cocaine and other street drugs. Bu insulin? Hell no. As boring as diabetes is, it’s a veritable one-man band compared to insulin.”
-Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel (Lunatics p 50)
There are precious few activities that grown men should do while naked. Showering. Swimming when no one else is around. Sex, whether someone else is around or not. And anything that takes place in front of blind people. Beyond that, all unclothed activities performed in the presence of those who’re sighted should be filed under the heading “Dear Lord, If He Bends Over One More Time I’m Going to Hang Myself.”
-Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel (Lunatics p 93)
“Fuck her yet?” “Excuse me?” “The nun. A word to the wise, Horkman. Nuns consider themselves married to God, so I’d watch my step if I were you, “he said, pointing skyward. “That is one jealous husband you don’t want to piss off. He’s God, for God’s sake! Fucking guy can turn your dick into a fried wonton just like that,” he said while snapping he stubby little fingers.
-Dave Barry and Alan Zweibel (Lunatics p 145)
Link to Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Lunatics-A-Novel/dp/B006YMJ9PU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1511194095&sr=8-1&keywords=lunatics+dave+barry