Celia Rivenbark, a columnist, living in Wilmington, North Carolina, has written an hilarious book that ranges from the subjects of kids, celebrities, husbands, and Southern silliness.
The first section deals with her five-year-old daughter, the inevitable trip to Disney World and the exhaustive fun of planning this trip (finding out sixty days before the trip that you have to call ninety days in advance to get a breakfast with one of the princesses or a dinner with Cinderella and somehow managing to pull it off) and the crazy world that is Disney. She also talks about, how once your child reaches size 7-16, the clothes become "skanky". Can you imagine dressing your first-grade daughter up in a pair of shorts with the word "juicy" on the butt? Or clothes with fishnet? I have to agree with her there, as I have a child whom I was not given much choice in what jeans to buy for and she ended up with some that if she didn't wear a tight belt, her ass crack showed, as they were low riding, hip-huggers. Also, there's the inevitable school field trip to the zoo, where things don't go as planned. Why can't they have field trips to prison, like when she was a kid. No one broke the law after that visit.
In her talk on husbands, she laments the fact that when he buys something on sale, its up to her to find the UPC code on the box, somewhere, and fill out the million forms for the rebate, while he's off enjoying his new thing. She also talks about Hooter's Air, where business is good because..."Cheap fares, golf packages, and big balambas? That's like the holy trinity to most of the men I know. Throw in a bottomless bowl of Doritos, SportsCenter on the overhead TV monitors, and a case of Coronas, and you've pretty much got the recipe for Complete Male Bliss."
In her Southern section, she bemoans the fact that there is a class that teaches Southerners to lose their accent, pissed off redneck women, and flu season. She also talks about crazy knitters, how the dinosaurs became extinct (they were only boys left, which is fun for a while, but not good for the species), the overabundance of chipotle, and the sad decline of such a fine institution as Krispy Kreme.
I'll be honest: I laughed my ass off reading this book. As a Southerner and a mother young kid I could totally relate to what she was talking about. She's written other books, including Belle Weather: Mostly Sunny With a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits and You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start In The Morning, both of which I also highly recommend. This is a must read!
Again, I ask, Why is it a man performs the minimal task of getting his kid to and from school in anything that’s not Hello Kitty pajamas and he’s all of a sudden frickin’ Keaunu dismantling a bomb on a city bus?-- Celia Rivenbark (Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle’s Words of Wisdom p 91)
Some pantyhose boast of chemical additives to make you feel better as you walk. I’m guessing the nude, size B, Vicodin pantyhose are particularly popular with movie stars.-- Celia Rivenbark (Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle’s Words of Wisdom p 155)
Without carbohydrates—and lots of them—I discovered that I really did have the capacity to take another’s life. And enjoy it.-- Celia Rivenbark (Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle’s Words of Wisdom p 137-8)
Link to Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Dressing-Your-Six-Year-Old-Skank/dp/0312339941/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467810526&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+dressing+your+six+year+old+like+a+skank
I think it’s hilarious that the only damn time Hollywood celebrities don’t do drugs is when they’re giving birth. What’s wrong with this picture?-- Celia Rivenbark (Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank: A Slightly Tarnished Southern Belle’s Words of Wisdom p 100)