A Field Guild to the Jewish People, Who They Are, Where They Come From, What to Feed Them, What They Have Against Foreskins, How Come They Carry Each Other Around on Chairs, Why They Fled Egypt By Running Straight to a :Large Body of Water , And Much Much More,Maybe Too Much More by Dave Barry, Adam Mansbach, and Alan Zwelbel

This book is the ultimate guide to all things Jewish.   It is written by humor columnist Dave Barry, who is the son of a Presypreterian minister, and Alan Zweibel who wrote for Saturday Night Live.
The way to tell the difference between the different denominations is this way: Place a pork chop on a plate in front of a synagogue and see how each behaves.   "Ultra-Orthodox--would walk past the pork chop because it's not kosher. Hasidim--would put their arms over their heads and dance past the pork chop because it is not kosher.  Orthodox--Would roundly boo the Hasidim because you are not allowed to dance on the Sabbath.  Humanistic--Would smack the Orthodox because you are not allowed to roundly boo on the Sabbath.  Conservative--Would remove their coat place it over the pork chop, just stand there whistling some Israeli folk tunes, then when no one was looking would pick up their coat with the pork chop hidden underneath, cut through neighbor's backyards, and sneak it into their detached garages because their homes are kosher.  Reconstructionists--would do all for the above except they'd actually eat the pork chop in their home before covering their house with a tent and moving into a motel for the month it was being fumigated.  Renewal--would pick up the pork chop, drive to a post office and mail it to a Gentile friend.  Messianic--would pick up the pork chop with a pair of tongs, walk to the post office because you can't drive on the Sabbath, sleep in the post office lobby because you can't handle money to buy the stamps on the Sabbath, and then mail it to a Gentile friend on Monday morning with the post office reopens.  Reform--would make a beeline dash to Ikea where they'd buy a table and a chair and then rush back and eat he pork chop right there on the sidewalk while going on dictionary.com to find o the meaning of the word Sabbath."

One of the great things about Judaism is sex.  Sex is important and it is considered holy. The Talmid lays out how much a man is to have sex based on his job.  Independently wealthy means once a day while a laborer is twice a week and a sailor is once every six months.  It has been updated for modern jobs such as a doctor, lawyer, accountant which is daily and venture capitalist which is five times daily.  Women do have a say as to whether or not they have sex, which is where the joke comes from  What is Jewish foreplay? Three hours of begging. The great thing about the rules of sex is that they're flexible and as long as you love each other it's alright.

Another great thing about Judaism is all of the holidays.  One of my favorites is Sukkoth because you move into a temporary dwelling and you eat all you can since it is a harvest festival.  My absolute favorite is Purim which celebrates Esther.  Esther saves her people from evil Hamon. To celebrate Purim the Book of Esther is read, drinking occurs, eating of little tricorn cookies and wearing of costumes and sometimes acting out the story of Esther.

This book contains so much information including getting married, bar/bat mitzvahs, the Jewish calendar, and the history of the Jewish people. And it's done with an incredible sense of humor.  You will laugh your ass off reading this.  I learned a lot from reading this.  This was a first-rate book and I give it five out of five stars.   

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