Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris

In this now Christmas classic, North Carolina writer, David Sedaris, has written a book of hilarious essays mostly about this holiday, but also includes one on Halloween and one on Easter (in France they don't believe in the Easter Bunny, they believe in the chocolate bell.  And I thought the Easter Bunny was a weird idea).  These essays include his time as a Macy store Elf, the worst Christmas letter/card ever, Christmas plays, two families that do the utmost to outdo each other during the holidays, Dinah the Christmas Whore, and the Dutch version of Santa Claus.

During his time at Macy's as an elf, sometimes it was a hellish job, but he always made it fun by doing things his way.  There are many stations at the wonderland area where the different Santas are (some people get ticked off when they get the "wrong" Santa, be it the black one, the tan one, or the white one).  At one such location, the elf is supposed to encourage people over to get their first view of Santa Claus.  This got old quick, so he started naming celebrities and people would run over to see, only to be disappointed.  However, there were a fair share of celebrities who would come in with their families and he would let the rest of the parents know so they could get a look.

There was one Santa who really believed he was Santa Claus and one Santa that was so loveable and made the experienced so magical that parents would break down in tears.  One bad Santa would make him sing the child's favorite Christmas song.  At his breaking point, he was forced to sing Away in a Manger, so he sang it in Billie Holliday style.  That Santa was more cautious of him from then on.  At the film station, they would unfortunately, have to tell people, if it was late in December, that their photos wouldn't come in until January.  But this was before the digital age when you can now get instant pictures.  Many parents weren't interested in what, if anything, their child had to say on his lap.  But one mom coaxed her son into saying that he wanted Proctor and Gamble to stop animal testing.  Though he never did this job again, it was quite an experience.

In the Christmas card/letter, a woman is trying to put a smile on the awful year she has had.  Her husband's love child from his years in Vietnam appears on his doorstep, a twenty-two-year-old girl who wears a lot of makeup and barely anything else.  She claims not to understand you when you try to get her to help around the house.  Then there's her daughter who married a loser and had a baby with him.  When things go south and her daughter goes into rehab, she takes in the crack baby to raise.  When she leaves to go shopping for a few hours to buy the Christmas gifts she has yet to get, she leaves the baby in the incapable hands of Kheh San and bad things happen.  Her court hearing is after Christmas and she hopes that her friends can come and be character witnesses.

The Dutch version of Santa Claus arrives by boat and horse in November to spend a few weeks there asking people what they want.  He is accompanied by six to eight black men, who were at one time considered his slaves but are now considered his helpers.  If the child was bad, Santa would beat him, kick him, and take him to Spain.  If they were good, they would receive toys in their shoes.

I really loved these stories,and I can't wait to read his other books.  These were hilarious essays and made me really get into the holiday spirit.  This is a must read for those this Christmas.

Link to Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Holidays-Ice-David-Sedaris/dp/0316078913/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479662897&sr=1-1&keywords=holidays+on+ice

A Dark Hole Darkly by Drew Melbourne

 

https://www.amazon.com/Dark-Hole-Darkly-Drew-Melbourne-ebook

Patrick hasn't been very motivated about life.  Then his mother is found murdered in her apartment with no pants on.  They hadn't exactly been in contact for the last two years, and he feels that he owes it to her to solve her murder.  His ever-patient girlfriend Lilly supports him in this endeavour.  Patrick starts keeping a journal with chapters that track his progress.  He writes in big letters CLUES and underneath that he has: blunt force trauma, forced entry, no pants, and voicemail: "I've been thinking a lot about Regulus".

Regulus was an old science fiction show on TV from 1983 to 1987 (think Star Trek or Doctor Who, but with a much smaller budget).  His mother has been obsessed with that show for decades, only backing off recently.  She was the head of the fan club, wrote the newsletter with a friend named Marvin, and wrote a song to the tune of "Pianoman" about the show, which is sung at their conventions. According to the Wikipedia page, the show is about five criminals who wake up on a prison transport and discover they are heading to the sun Regullus.  They find a ship named the Regullus in orbit, and they get on and discover their own skeletons. It's a time-loop show where they go back in time to save themselves, only to die in the process.  British actor Roland Yates is the star.  Patrick's mother inherited his cricket bat when he died. Which pissed off Marvin, who said that Yates had promised him the bat. That basically broke the friendship between Marvin's and Patrick's mothers.

Lily and Patrick go to the yearly convention for Regulus and meet a true cast of characters, any of whom may be the killer.  Patrick goes on an adventure of a lifetime where he learns more about his mother than he ever knew. This is a wickedly smartly written book. Patrick has so much depth to him.  I really loved this book and its dark humor. The quotes that I list will show you what I mean.  I really can't recommend this book enough. 

Quotes

When you get to my age, Patty, it’s not a question of if you’re going to die, but how spectacularly you can go out.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch47)

“When people zink of zer ADHD,” he said,”a picture in zer head is often ze rambunctious boy who terrorizes ze zird-grade classrooms. Who pulls ze pigtails. Runs with ze scissors. Eats ze glue.”

“That’s not me,” I said. “I hate trying new foods.”

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 45)

First you haffta find a doctor who’s qualified to diagnose you. Who’ll take your insurance. Who has appointments open before the next ice age. Do the assessment. Wait. Get the results. And after that you might haffta find a whole other doctor to prescribe medication. The right dosage. Trial and error.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 48)

Believing in someone is not the same as believing that they should do stupid shit. Believing in someone means believing that they’ll stop doing stupid shit eventually.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 23)

And anyway, every drug store I’ve ever been to is basically the same store. Just rearranged to confuse me.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 22)

It’s funny how they treat her. Like an old friend who’s also their God who’s also sometimes invisible.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch16)

The actual words I was using weren’t important. I was just stalling until Lilly's inner prudence kicked in. It was like Lilly’s Prime Directive: Always pee first.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 13)

Honestly, how can anybody time their arrival down to the minute? On New York trains? As far as I’m concerned, just arriving is a victory.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 6)

It’d been so long, I wondered whether I’d forgotten.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch 2)

Sat down next to him on the floor by the recliner, because tables and chairs are just surfaces to to things on.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch35)

My life is just failing until I get lucky.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch48)

I didn't need luck, though. I had science.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly ch52)

Guy answered the door. Grumbly. Messy hair. Hadn't shaved. T-shirt had holes in it. Still in his boxers and apparently fine with that. I get it. Life's a lot.

Drew Melbourne (A Dark Hole Darkly p227)

     

Five Fortunes by Barbara Venkataraman

A group of friends decided to used the mechanical fortune teller.  Rhianna has a sister and she helps her father run his store.  Her mother is dead and things have been really bad.  She doesn't get to hang out with her friends and money is tight.  So when she gets the fortune "You will soon come into money", she shrugs it off but knows that this would be a boon for her family.  

The only thing Lori seems to have in common with her mother these days is their shared love of dogs and helping out at the animal shelter.  She has two younger brothers that are a pain in the neck that she has to babysit them from time to time, keeping her from her friends.  Her fortune was "Jealousy is the green-eyed monster".  Who does she envy? And how will this affect her friendships?  

Twins Abby, the fashion influencer, and Alison, who gets excellent grades, are exact opposites.  Abby often convinces Alison to write her papers because she is too busy making videos for her online fashion advice site.  Their mother has a job that takes her overseas a lot for months at a time.  Alison got a fortune that said "Expect the unexpected" which was already her motto. Abby's fortune is "Your wisdom will shine a light", which is odd since Abby does poorly at school without Alison's help.  But Abby sees it as her giving her wisdom to those out there who are fashion handicapped.

Megan, gets the fortune "Beware of false friends".  The girls were all supposed to meet at the Underground Coffeehaus for drinks.  Megan is the only one to show.  The others couldn't make it but forgot to text her.  Megan begins to wonder if her fortune has come true, when she meets a goth girl who calls her Cheerleader Barbie and who Megan calls Vampire Barbie.  Megan feels as though she had lost her friends, but finds that she may have just made a new one.

I think young adults will really like this book about teen girls who have their own problems but have each other to lean on. This would be an excellent book for middle schoolers.  It isn't very long and maybe could have been longer to give it some time to really delve into these girls lives.  I enjoyed this book about a group of girlfriends who take their fortunes and decide to make their own luck.      

     

 Quotes

My life stinks so bad it should be a Lifetime movie.

Barbara Venkataraman (Five Fortunes ch 14)

To him, silence was a sad balloon waiting to be filled with air.

Barbara Venkataraman ( Five Fortunes p22)

Riddle me this, Batman, don't we all hide behind different personas?

Barbara Venkataraman (Five Fortunes p 73)

Everything looks worse at three o’clock in the morning.

Barbara Venkataraman (Five Fortunes p22)

200 Greatest 70s Rock Songs: The Stories Behind the Music by Frank Mastropolo

 

This is a cool book that looks behind the scenes of some of the best rock songs of the 1970s.  Its like having a backstage pass to the best artists of that time.  Explore the secrets of these songs from how they came to be to where the inspiration came from   

The music for The Rolling Stones song "Brown Sugar" was written in a large field in Australia while Mick Jagger was filming the movie Ned Kelly.  He had messed up his hand and was trying to rehabilitate it.  He took a brand new kind of electric guitar and took it into the Outback and came up with the music.  The song was recorded at Alabama's Muscle Shoals studio.  It took him 45 minutes to write three sheets of lyrics.  Because of a dispute with their manager, the song was not released until the album Sticky Fingers.  However they first debuted it at the famous concert at Altamont. The song covers such controversial topics like drugs, rape, slavery, and interracial sex. Mick said in an interview that "God knows what I'm on about in that song.  It's such a mishmash.  All the nasty subjects in one go.  I never would write that song today.  I can't just write raw like that."

"Can't You See" by South Carolina's Marshall Tucker Band was not a hit and Marshall Tucker wasn't even in the band.  He was a piano tuner who worked in the practice space of the band.  Then Waylon Jennings did a cover of the song that only charted to 75 for the band, but charted high on the country charts.  Hank Jr., Alabama, and about 40 different bands have done a cover of the song.  You can still hear it on the radio 54 years later. It has become a Southern classic.

 "Heart of Glass" was written by Debbie Harry and guitarist Chris Stein and was a number one hit for Blondie in 1979. It was written in 1974 but the band had a hard time figuring out how it should go.  The tried it as a ballad and as a reggae song, but nothing seemed to work.  In 1978 they got producer Mike Chapman asked Harry what was influencing her at the moment and she replied Donner Summer.  The band had just gotten a Roland drum machine and were playing around with it.  Using a computerized was unusual for a guitar band.  People got mad at them for "going disco".  Clem Burke, the drummer refused to play it at first, until it became a hit and he was then forced to.  The lyrics weren't about anyone particular, just lost love.   For a while they played it with the chorus going "Once I had love and it was a gas.  Soon turned out it was a pain in the ass."  It was too repetitive so they changed it to "had a heart of glass."  The BBC bleeped out the one "ass" they kept in the song.  

This book also includes the stories behind such songs as: It Don't Come Easy, Hotel California, I'll Take You There, I Wanna Be Sedated, London Calling, and Long Train Running.  Mastropolo also included sections on singers and musicians who made the songs come alive, like Bobby Whitlock, the keyboard player , for Derek and the Dominoes and Harry Wayne "KC" Casey and the Sunshine Band.  It crosses many different genres of music and is incredibly interesting and informative.

Quotes

Kind of like a cross between a housewife and an evangelical preacher, is kind of what I do.

Iggy Pop

I don’t like the Eagles. There’re about as exciting as watching paint dry. Their albums are good for keeping the dust off your turntable and that’s about all.

John Wait

Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters' First 100 Years by Sarah and Al Elizabeth Delany and Amy Hill Hearth

 Bessie, age 101, and Sadie, aged 103 are doing a lot more than just having their say.  They are witnesses to the history of blacks in America in the 20th century.  Their father was born into slavery and grew up to become a minister in the Episcopalian church.  He believed in education for both the boys and the girls of his large family.  He settled in Raleigh, North Carolina with his wife and raised a family.  

Bessie, or "Queen Bess", who was the feisty one and "Sweet Sadie", who was the quiet, yet determined one lived together their whole lives.  They talk about growing up in the South and about getting their education.  Bessie in dentistry and Sadie in education.  Bessie became the second black woman to get a license in both New York and North Carolina.  Sadie became a superintendent of schools for New York City.  For Bessie being a woman and black meant that people would steal the dental tools that she had borrowed from her brother and no one did anything about it.  She had a rough time of it.  Sadie started out teaching Home Economics and therefore had a slightly easier time as a woman but not a black woman.

They moved from Raleigh to New York City to go to Columbia University.  They lived in Harlem and saw the Harlem Renaissance unfold before their eyes.  They met people like Book T. Washington, W.E.B Du Bois, Cab Calloway, and Lena Horne.  They also lived through two World Wars and the Civil Rights Movement.  It is also about the rise of the black middle class. This is a fascinating book that takes you through the pages of history by people who lived it.  

Quotes

Sister Sadie, we bought a house with windows, those windows are here for a reason and I'm going to use them! (Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters First 100 Years by Sadie and A Elizabeth Delancy and Amy Hill Hearth p 14)

You see, when you are colored, everyone is always looking for your faults. If you are going to make it you have to be entirely honest, clean, and brilliant.  Because if you slip up once, the white folks say to each other, "See, what'd I tell you"  So you don't have to be as good as white people you have to be better or the best.  When negroes are average, they fail, unless they are very, very lucky. Now, if you're average and white, honey, you can go far.  Just look at Dan Quale.  If that boy was colored he'd be washing dishes somewhere. (Having Our Say by Sadie and A. Elizabeth Delancy and Amy Hill Hearth p 114)

You see, when you are colored, everyone is always looking for your faults. If you are going to make it you have to be entirely honest, clean, and brilliant.  Because if you slip up once, the white folks say to each other, "See, what'd I tell you"  So you don't have to be as good as white people you have to be better or the best.  When negroes are average, they fail, unless they are very, very lucky. Now, if you're average and white, honey, you can go far.  Just look at Dan Quale.  If that boy was colored he'd be washing dishes somewhere. (Having Our Say by Sadie and A. Elizabeth Delancy and Amy Hill Hearth p 114)

I Was a Teenage Slasher by Stephen Graham Jones

 

Stephen Graham Jones has written another New York Times bestselling book that takes place in Lamesa, Texas and Tolly Driver who is looking back on the summer of 1989 when he was seventeen. Tolly's dad had died a year before in a car accident. He only has his mother who owns a hardware store and his best friend from school, Amber Dennison, the only Native living in town`.  Amber drives a Rabbit truck that runs on diesel.  The two are very close but not in a romantic way.  They are not in the marching band or the Future Farmers of America which puts them on the outside looking in. 

Tolly likes to go to parties and get drunk, throw up and make a fool of himself.  For the most part the other students ignore him because he no longer has a father.  Stace Goodkin is one of those people who gets great grades and follows the rules.  One night, the In Crowd decides to show Justin Joss a lesson in why he would never be a part of their crowd by taking him to a oil pump horse, one of those machines that bobs up and down like a bronco horse.  They convinced him to climb on top and ride.  Justin ended up mutilated by the machine.  Stace tried to help him, but only managed to distract Justin into causing more damage to himself.

The In Crowd throws a party one night and Tolly, as usual, is plastered.  He got the brilliant idea to do a cannonball in the pool getting everyone nearby soaking wet.  One of them was a baton twirler in the marching band named Shannon who is sitting at a table flirting with a cute older guy.  Tolly has a severe allergy to peanuts, so Shannon's date who puts peanuts in his Coke makes Tolly drink it.  He has a major reaction and his EpiPen is in Amber's car.  The band members take their belts off their uniforms and tie Tolly to a lounge chair.  He starts throwing up to try to get rid of the peanuts.  

Amber and Stace are talking inside the house when Stace sees into the backyard Tolly convulsing on the lounge chair.  Stace, a gymnast, vaults into action to get his EpiPen to him.  She injects him and her and Amber start trying to get him out of the restraints.  Suddenly, the dead Justin Joss appears with a chainsaw and begins to kill those at the party who were responsible for his death.  Even Stace is included in this because she was there.  He doesn't kill her, but hurts her really bad.  Stace had called her doctor father to help Tolly so he's coming and the police likely are too.  There's also Justin to contend with so, everyone runs off.  

Unfortunately, Tolly gets a splash of Justin's blood on his forehead.  When he wipes it away, it goes into an open wound on his forehead.  This will cause Tolly to go psycho and start his own killing spree.   And while the Tolly looking back hasn't killed anyone since, he's recounting this to explain how he became a psycho for a while.  This is a sharp book that nails high school life and living in West Texas on the head.  Its also the perfect book for today, Halloween.

Quotes

Amber...leaned against the steering wheel to shove her own hand down under the front of he seat, closing her eyes to let her fingers see better. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p7)

You think big thoughts when you're seventeen. Big stupid thoughts. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p9)

My kind don't exactly do  funerals.  I know.  We're the reason for the funeral. Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher (p25)

Make enough of an ass of yourself, you get noticed, right? (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p22)

Still? I'd just lost my dada year ago, hadn't I?  This--me being an idiot--was probably some stage of grief. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p28)

Someone not necessarily full of promise, but full of promises. Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher (p66)

His two big sayings that year, both of which applied that night, were that nothing good happens after midnight, and that the grass really wasn't that much greener on the other side of fifty-five miles per hour.  Though it could get bloodier real damn fast. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p64-5)

Its less about survival, more about who you're holding when that big irradiated shock wave blows you to ash. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p66)

The world's so much simpler when you've got a chainsaw in your hand, isn't it? A chainsaw, or a machete or an axe, that's the elegant solution to every problem. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p67)

You always want your mom when you're hurt. When you call you're dad is when you've done something he can maybe be proud of. For pain, though, it's moms all the way. Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher (p128)

We all want to hide, don't we?  To not have to be constantly navigating between our true selves and people's expectations twenty-four seven. (Stephen Graham Jones I Was a Teenage Slasher p136)

   

Dear Faithful Reader,

 I am sorry I have been gone these months. I have been gravely ill and have been unable to read or publish here. But soon I will have some new material for you to peruse and enjoy as you once did my other works.  Keep an eye out for the new stuff. And thanks for sticking by me through this difficult time.

Thanks.

Nicole W Brown