Sixteen-year-old Henry who is a geek and afraid of everything including sea horses and lobsters get talked into going to a Survival Camp run by a scary looking dude named Max, by his parents and his best friend Randy. He arrives there and there are only three other campers there beside him and Randy. Stu, Jackie, who has green hair and is younger than the rest of them, and Erik, who is more adept than the rest of them. Max tells them to turn over the electronics they weren't supposed to bring or it will be destroyed when he finds it. So they madly scramble to give over phones, iPods, game boys, and the like. But Jackie is holding out and Max stomps on it. Henry for some reason gets up the guts to talk back to Max and tells him he can't do that or tell them to do push-ups. Max begs to differ and Henry finds himself doing pushups till he pukes and sleeping outside that night.
While he's outside that night he meets Monica from the music camp a few miles away. Henry thinks she's hot and nice and really cool. But when he asks to use her phone to play a game on it he sees a message from her roommate about how her boyfriend had texted her looking for Monica. She hasn't said anything about a boyfriend so Henry hasn't given up on her yet.
The first day there Henry hits a bullseye on the archery field. The next day he isn't so lucky. He and Randy team up to build a shelter outdoors. It falls apart and catches fire leaving Max to wonder where he went wrong. The other team only did marginally better. That night Monica will bring some friends from her camp to the Survival Camp. While Henry doesn't have to sleep outside, he sneaks out to wait for Monica in case she arrives. Monica wants to scare the boys inside their building and they do by screaming a bit in front of the boys' cots. They freak out for a second but then are pleasantly surprised. Until Max arrives with a gun and shoots up the ceiling scaring everyone. Henry tells him to calm down that it's just some girls from the other camp and Max calms down. He tells the boys it's alright if the girls come over but they need to be quiet. But the girls don't come back over and the boys have no luck finding their camp in the dark.
Every time Henry has to run, he has a tendency to trip and fall on his face. Not to mention he can't run very far. Then the Survival Games have started. You can get hit three times in the chest or twice in the arm or leg counting as one hit. There are weapons in boxes around the forest as well as other goodies. While they are off playing the game, Max gets a visit from the mafia who is owed money by Max's boss who told them that Max was actually his partner and who had the money. Max explains this to them and that the kids have left for the summer. They kill Max just as Henry is coming back to camp after being the first person to get killed by Erik. Henry manages to get away from them and runs into the woods finding Erik who he tells what is going on, but Erik doesn't believe him at first. But once he does it becomes only a matter of time before the others come back to camp and meet up with the bad guys so they must find a way to protect the others.
What follows is a madcap adventure of the campers versus the bad guys in a hilarious adventure fit for the movie it will eventually be turned into. This camp will teach Henry that there are more important things to fear than seahorses and that he could have spent a good deal of time swimming rather than being afraid of the water and that he's tougher than he thought he was. Monica is one tough girl who can seriously kick ass. Randy is pretty tough himself and a good best friend to have. Erik isn't all he's cracked up to be. This book is funny as hell and I give it five out of five stars.
Quotes
Wilderness Survival Tip! Rest forty-five minutes for every
hour that you hike. If you’re hiking fast or over rough terrain, increase that
number to forty-nine. Hiking isn’t any fun if your legs get tired.
-Jeff Strand (I Got a Very Bad Feeling About This p 29)
Wilderness Survival Tip! If you need to start a fire, you
and burn the pages of this very book.
Yes, you’ll hurt the author’s feelings, but that’s okay. Your life is
more important. (If you’re reading this
as an e-book, setting it on fire is not recommended.)
-Jeff Strand (I Got A Bad Feeling About This p 42)
Wilderness Survival Tip! I hate to be Mr. Obvious but
really, the best way to survive the wilderness is to stay inside. Sure, the
outdoors has some cool stuff to see and do, but is it that cool?
-Jeff Strand (I Got a Bad Feeling About This p 75)
You can’t start a fire on purpose, but you can build a
shelter that bursts into flames when if falls apart? How is that even possible by any known laws
of nature?
-Jeff Strand (I Got a Very Bad Feeling About This p 77)
“Sir?” asked Henry. “I drank the water too.” “Why?” “Because
Randy asked me if I thought it tasted funny. It did, but we figured maybe you
just put some weird flavoring in there.” Jackie raised his hand. “Sir? I drank
some too. They asked if I could identify the flavor.” “And what did you think
it was?” “Wheatgrass.” Max sighed. “Stu? Erik?” “I smelled it,” said Stu. “Can
these parasites get in through your nose?” “Normally I’d say no, but I think
you’d find a way to make it happen.”
-Jeff Strand (I Got a Very Bad Feeling About This p 84-5)
Henry if you drown in water that doesn’t even come up to
your waist, I will go after your entire family. I mean it.
-Jeff Strand (I Have a Very Bad Feeling About This p 103)
Items Henry felt would have been useful when he was
rushing out to attack a gun-wielding madman: a pitchfork, a pickax, a power
source with a cord he wouldn’t trip over, ninja stars, an automobile with iron
spikes on the front grille, a voodoo doll of Chad, a cow to use as a shield,
three machetes tied together, a wheelbarrow filled with broken glass, Jackie
Chan, A fully charged Taser, a shockingly vicious gerbil, a water pistol that
contained acid instead of water (but not acid that would eat through the gun
itself, which would be inconvenient), an aerodynamic wrench for throwing, a
backup wrench for bashing, bottle
rockets, a chainsaw that would start on the first three tugs, a gun, rotten
eggs, Excalibur, a baseball bat (wooden or aluminum---no preference), a shaken-up can of Moutain Dew, one of those metal things you use to poke a burning firewood, an artificial limb (To
use as a bludgeoning device not for locomotion), better shows, a bullwhip, a
bull to whip, some variety of rocket, Captain America’s shield, Thor’s hammer, Black
Widow’s costume for Monica to wear, a reliable flamethrower, a spear, an electric
razor (which would do no real damage but might cause Chad to stop and thing
Why is he running at me with an electric razor? Which would prove to be a deadly lapse of concentration), a potted plant, an orangutan, something with poison
on it, a laptop computer that he didn’t mind breaking over somebody’s head, the
power to control space and time, a lengthy screwdriver, a totally badass-looking
piece os wood covered razor wire and rusty nails, roller skates, a tire iron, a
javelin—come to think of it, the roller skates wouldn’t be very helpful on the
uneven dirt ground, so he canceled that wish—a Model 1881 Gatling gun with
the Bruce-style feed system (U.S. Patents 247,158 and 343,532), a
pocketknife, a shark, and/or a scimitar.
-Jeff Strand (I Have a Bad Feeling About This p 167-8)
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